


Shitty days

by Nuttelashake



Series: 5 Times Peter Was A Mess (And The One Time Tony was) [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, I Don't Even Know, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Peter Parker Gets a Hug, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-01-29 02:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21402973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuttelashake/pseuds/Nuttelashake
Summary: "I'm so sorry for what I did. I wish I had the chance to say this to you that-""-that you actually are my father.""I wish when you left, you were sure that I love you."-~-~-~Just a Ben's death anniversary where everything gets messed up.
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Flash Thompson, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: 5 Times Peter Was A Mess (And The One Time Tony was) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1542979
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone.
> 
> The truth is I just wrote this because I've been feeling so down lately. Moody and all the stuff. I tried a lot to make myself feel better, I tried a lot to act normal, but at the end of the day I still felt (still) fucked. And I really needed someone to understand me, so I made Peter do it for me.  
When I decided to post it, I suddenly felt like it's so pointless, but I decided to post it anyway.  
So sorry if you don't like it and if it isn't relatable, but I tried my best. Hopefully you'll enjoy.

  
Some days were just shitty.

Peter wasn't a kind of person to just accept that fact. Sometimes he could completely notice that his insane effort of making the day a little bit fun was just useless.

But he didn't care. He tries anyway, some days it worked, some days it didn't.

Today was one of those days. Peter knew it even before the day arrived. And despite the other days, he simply accepted the fact that he was going to feel like shit all day and decided not to bother himself to change that.

That's why he had been laying on the bed for almost an hour now, awake but too lazy to do anything but stare at the wall.

Staring at the same spot for this long was really getting boring, he still didn't want it to end, though. School was a nightmare today. Everywhere was a nightmare today. The best option was the bed, and he'd really rather feel bored than- than that numbness he'd be feeling for the rest of the day.

He couldn't skip school. He wished he could. He wished everyone would forget that he existed just for today. He wished they would leave him alone. But that wasn't going to happen.

Specially not today.

Anyway, skipping school meant that aunt May would either feel bad or get worried, both of them lead to the same path. She's keep an eye on him and that was the last thing he wanted.

Going to school was another kind of disaster. Ned would be peeking him all day, Peter would get tired once in a while and look back at him, watching as Ned's eyes went wide before he looked somewhere else. There's be a lot of awkward moment and Peter knew he wasn't going to be in the mood to make them less uncomfortable.

Another thing was Flash. Well, Flash was always a problem, but today Peter was going to be a problem himself too. Anything off about him and Flash would get curious. That'd either lead to a fight or Flash making fun of Peter more.

Peter sighed and rolled in bed, hugged his pillow and huffed.

And the alarm went off.

"Ughhhhh."

He growled and covered his ears with his palms, then his pillows, then the sheets and eventually the thought of aunt May hearing the alarm and deciding to check on him got him out of bed.

He made sure she wasn't awake when he went to the bathroom for a quick shower. He knew it wasn't right to avoid his aunt when she probably wanted to make sure he's okay, but he really preferred to lessen his communication as much as possible. That was probably for the best. And even if it wasn't, that was all Peter wanted in that moment.

Shower was usually fun. He took cold showers in the mornings to cheer him up, he usually woke his aunt up with the sound of the rock music he sang in there, but it was really worth it and May barely complained.

Today he took a hot shower because cold shower was making him feel unsafe . The warmness made him feel secure and besides it matched his moody mood.

"Good morning, sweetie."

Peter decided to think her tone was different. It was like the times he woke up in medbay after he got hurt. Or the times Flash made fun of him and she noticed, but didn't say anything, showing her sympathy only in her tone.

"Hey, May."

Peter tried to sound usual and happy. He didn't look at her, though. Knowing that any sign of pity in her face would ruin his whole act.

He immediately went to his bedroom and changed, leaving no time to overthink. But before going out of his bedroom, he hesitated for a minute.

_'Relax, Peter. Don't act weird. You know it's not their fault. You know they just want to help.'_

He knew it. He really did.

Then he breathed heavily.

_Fake it till you make it._

He sat down on the chair and started his breakfast.

"So what's up with school?"

Peter swallowed. There was nothing wrong, really. It's not like this was anything unusual. They talked about things like this every day and it'd be usually.

But today it was different.

Or maybe it wasn't. But Peter thought it was.

He knew he shouldn't think like that, trying to read everyone's mind, trying to get to a conclusion by their behaviour. He knew sometimes he made up things in his mind that weren't real. He knew things he got anxious from weren't actually done to make him anxious. But it really didn't help him. It just added up to his guilt because of the way he was behaving towards the others.

'_Answer her, Peter. Be normal. This is all normal, you do this every day. You're the one making it different. Don't.'_

"Uhhh..."

'_Low voice. Talk louder.'_

"Um, nothing."

'_Nothing is abnormal for you. That's not the answer you'd say. What would the normal Peter say?'_

Uhh... quick. What would he normally say? What would he say what would he say?

He looked at May. She was hesitating. Her eyebrows were forming a little frown. She sighed quietly and opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something else.

_'Oh, just blabber.'_

"Well, actually I had this exam which was really hard, I couldn't even think of anything, I don't know I think my brain was locked."

"Yeah, probably because you didn't sleep more than hour."

"What are you talking about? I went to sleep at- like- ten."

"You went to your room at ten and then turned yourself into a spider and got back at five." She corrected.

"Well, I have very good reason that I would have explained to you, but unfortunately, my school's getting late, so..."

"Don't you dare_"

"Bye-bye."

Peter was already on his way out. He sighed and his lips formed a small smile. Well, it wasn't that bad.

"Hey, honey...wait-."

Peter turned around and May came near him. At first she stared at him for a second, then she sighed and there came the look.

_Sympathy_.

"Uhh- Peter I know this is a really hard time for you_"

Peter exhaled a puff of despair.

'_Please, don't.'_

"-and I get that you're trying your best, I just-"

Yes, I know. You just want to help. But you can't. You just gotta leave me alone.

"- I just want you to know that I'm here with you. We all are."

And then there was the look, a mix of sorrow and condolence...  
Which would be completed by Peter's response.

And for a single moment, looking at May's desperate eyes, Peter felt really bad for her. She was trying i make it easier and Peter really wished he could do something to make it easier for her as well. He hated how selfish it make her do this for him when she was in a worse situation herself, and Peter did nothing but worsen it. He suddenly wished he could just hug her so tight and let her warmness melt away the ice which was forming in his heart.

But the numbness was too much. He felt like there was a distance forming between them. Between him and everyone else. At first it was just a little crack, now it was slowly splitting their world into halves.

"I... I know May, I_ I really_ I really appreciate it."

He tried to smile. It didn't look so well.

And then he left the house, a photo from being the last thing he saw as he closed the door.

A photo of their happy family.

A picture of May, Peter...

And Ben.

\----------

There were two parts that Peter had to pass and he'd be fine after that.

The first one was saying hi to Ned. At first there'd be an awkward silence that both of them had to fill with some bullshit neither of them cared about. After that Ned would try to deicide if he had to bring it up or avoid it. Peter guessed he would feel so uncomfortable after a while, that he'd think the best way to melt the ice would be to make Peter talk about it. Peter knew it wasn't the his ideal situation so all he had to do was avoid that moment. But the main pressure would be on Ned, and Peter knew it was wrong to feel that way, but it made him feel relieved.

The second one was Flash. He would think about that later.

For now...

"Ahh... Hey, dude."

Peter turned around.

_'Annnnd... here we go..'_

"Hey, Ned."

They did their high five move and Ned smiled awkwardly at him in the end.

"Uhhh... so what's up? Did you study for the chemistry exam?"

"Uhhh- not so much. I was patrolling till late at night and I didn't have much time. But I did all I could."

"Don't worry, you'll do great."

"Yeah, I hope so."

He realized his voice was becoming quiet again. He tried to wrap it up with a smile, but it felt like all of the muscles in his face have been decayed, refusing to let Peter show any sign of emotion.  
  


"_**Ohhh, don't be like this, Petey. You know you wanna laugh."**_

** _Little Peter huffed and turned his back to his uncle, crossing his arms ad frowning._ **

_ **"Come on, you know you want to laugh, ice cream falling on the ground can't stop you."** _

** _Peter only huffed stronger. _ **

_ **"Oh, so now you wanna play a game. Well, I should warn you I'm really good at games."** _

** _Then in a betraying move, his uncle started tickling his neck and just when Peter tried to stop him he aimed his stomach. Peter tried to hold back his laugh but it just made him end up throwing drops of spits as he burst into laughter._ **

** _"Look who's laughing now. I told you I'm good at games."_ **

** _"See, Petey, you love your uncle. Don't you, Pete? Don't you? Say it? Say you have the best uncle ever._ **

_**"Un'le Be,n, pleez- sthoop.." Peter said between laughing**_.

"**_Come on, Petey, say it, come on Petey."_**

_Come on Petey..._

_Come on...._

_Petey..._

_Petey..._

"Peter?"

"Huh? What?"

Ned was looking at him curiously.

"You okay, dude?"

_ **"You okay, Pete?"** _

_ **"Uncle Ben. Flash says you two don't want me. He says you were forced to live with me." Little Peter said with a shaky and childish voice between sobbing and weeping.** _

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good."

"Students, sit down please."

Peter ignored the way Ned was looking at him. He just sat down and took out his books from his bag.

He looked at the ground and watched the crack open wide.

_ **"Don't cry, Petey. Don't be sad. It'll be okay. I'm here. I will always be here."** _

\---------------

The first step couldn't have gone worse. Ned's gaze never left him the whole time and in some classes he tried to open up a conversation with him to make the day feel *more ordinal*. Peter really wasn't in the mood to talk, specially with their teacher glaring at him every five second.

He also didn't want to make Ned feel bad or unwanted, he didn't want him to feel like he was dancing on Peter's nerves, even though he was. But that wasn't Ned's fault, it was really just Peter's problem; so he tried to act as normal as possible.

But as Ned’s concern grew bigger, Peter found it kind of risky to stay by Ned's side all day.

He really didn't have much control over himself today and he was worried he'd snap at Ned anytime...

And it wouldn't be fair to Ned at all.

_ **"-it's not fair..."** _

And in the other hand, he'd go crazy if he had to spent all of the day pretending as if he was completely fine.

So twenty minutes before the end of their third class, Peter gave up and asked their teacher if he could go out. Mr. Harrison -who probably couldn't stand another minute of him and Ned talking- accepted.

And when he was about to go to the bathroom, he saw Flash and his gang blocking the corridor. Well, Peter usually paid them no mind, but today was a little different. So he hid in one of the empty rooms and used his super hearing to helped him get passed the second step.

"...ny of you guys know what's up with Parker today? Isn't he usually all jumping around with his nerdy friends dancing around ?"

Peter's eyes widened. Damn. Flash knew something was off.

"What, Flash? You worry about him? You like his penis?"

"Whoah. Shut it... I don't even know your name. Just shut it, you jackass, unless you want a kick in your ass. Now anybody here knows what's up with penis?"

Peter heard nothing so he tried too peek from the classroom he was hiding in, and he saw Flash standing near a group of students from their class. The good news was everybody shook their head after glancing at each other for a couple of times.

Peter sighed in relief and got his head back to the class, leaning it against the door while shutting his eyes.

"I do."

What?

"What?"

Well, he couldn't actually know, he'd just make up some crap to impress Fla-

"I think his uncle died in this day two years ago."

_What the fuck?????_

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, I heard it from one of my friends whose mother works with her aunt. I think he died in a robbery or something? I'm not sure."

** _Robbery._ **

** _People screaming. Glasses breaking. Kids crying. Thieves shouting._ **

** _Peter heard none of them though._ **

** _It was just one sound in his head. The sound of the gun going off, bullet escaping it with a loud sound. Then a gasp escaping his uncle's mouth. Nothing more. Just a small gasp. That was all Peter could hear between all the sounds. And then a loud thud as his uncle hit the ground._ **

_**It seemed so unreal**_. 

"What's up with the loser?"

Peter clenched his teeth and went out of the class, pretending that he couldn't hear MJ' voice.

He chose the exact opposite path of Flash's path. There was only one class left and if Flash knew, Peter really preferred to skip it.

Besides, he couldn't wait to go to patrol again. Peter Parker was having a shitty day. But Spiderman wouldn't.

Spiderman wasn't weak. Spiderman wasn't mad. Spiderman didn't take aloof.

Peter Parker might be standing on the other half alone, but Spiderman would stay in the crowd with people. People didn't pity him. He would do better, he was better.

He wouldn't stay frozen in his place and watch people die in front of his eyes.

"**_No..."_**

He would do something. Something to stop it. He would at least try.

_ **"No.... no no nonono-no please- please uncle Ben... please, don't do this to me... you- you can't- you can't leave me alone..."** _

Spiderman wouldn't be useless. Just crying and screaming.

"_**You- you can't. You- you promised me, remember? You promised. You said you'd- you'd always stay with me. You can't break a promise. You told me th-that yourself. It's- it's cheating. You can't cheat uncle Ben. THAT'S NOT FAIR. DON'T DIE. DON'T DIE DAD. IT'S CHEATING... YOU HATE CHEATING**_."

Peter suddenly stopped walking, white spot appearing in his vision as he felt like someone hit the back of his head. He realized there were tears gathering in his eyes and it burnt his eyes to try to keep them from falling.

He let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding for so long and leaned on the wall. His head was spinning and it hurt like hell, making it hard for him to open his eyes without feeling nauseous. His throat was raw and dry and it burnt to even swallow his saliva. What the hell was wrong with him?

He started walking, barely even looking ahead.

"Hey, you blind?"

"Sorry."

"Whoa, man. What the hell?"

"Sorry."

"**_I' sorry, Ben."_**

"Hey, yo, sleeping beauty. Care to open your eyes while you walking?'

"Ahh, yupe. Sure. Sorry."

** _"I'm so sorry."_ **

"Look ahead, dickhead."

"Sorry."

"_**I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry- please Ben...please...I'm so sorry..."**_

"Hey, Parker. Wait."

Peter stopped moving and shut his eyes and inhaled deeply.

Flash.

'_Calm down Peter, it's nothing unusual. You deal with this every day. You can do this. Ignore him. You can do it.'_

"Wait..."

Peter didn't move. Flash came in front of him and looked into Peter's eyes and...

Peter could have sworn there was something different in his face.

Or maybe there was just something wrong with Peter's eyes today.

"I... So I heard that... that today's your uhhh... uncle's anniversary and..."

** _"BEN. PLEASE. I'M BEGGIN YOU. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME."_ **

Peter was just so tired.

"And I just wanted to-"

"You wanted to what, Flash?"

With every passing second, all those pictures and voices in his head, every memory...

They build something that got stuck in his throat. A strong anger that Peter couldn't ignore no more.

"What did you want to do?"

It left him with no power or energy. 

"You wanted to say how much of a burden I was that he'd rather die than live with me?"

He didn't notice how his voice got a little too loud at the end, he also didn't notice it caught everyone's attention, making a couple of them hang around near them to see what was about to happen.

"Or you wanted to say what a loser I am that I couldn't keep any of my parents?"

His voice got louder and as the students got out of classes for break, more of them stood there, waiting for some kind of drama.

"Is that what you wanted to do? You wanted to prove that I'm a loser? Just like you did when my parents died? You want me to think that I lost them because I didn't deserve them?"

Peter was yelling now, and he was so deep in his own mind that he didn't even realize how embarrassed Flash was starting to look and how all the students were now gathering around them, whispering things.

"Well, guess what? I've already heard all those and if it makes you feel any better... I know. I accept them. I know that I'm just a nerdy loser. Satisfied now?"

Peter was running out pf breath from talking so much and when he finally breathed, he realized how messy it had gotten. Students were staring at them -and mostly him- with wide eyes. Some of them were chuckling and talking...

And the others were just staring into Peter's eyes... like they wanted to cut through his eyes and read his mind, see his soul. His cheeks suddenly burnt ad he felt embarrassment take over his whole body.

"I...uhh.."

Peter just noticed that Flash was still there. He haven't even realized he was saying all those stuff to Flash. He felt like he was talking to himself more than anyone else the whole day.

"I'm...uh...I didn't want to... I mean..."

Flash looked so miserable that Peter would've laughed if he... well, if he wasn't more in the mood for crying. His voice was low and kind of shaky and his wide eyes had left Peter's and started to look down.

"I didn't want to say... say those things I just... "

He stopped again. He was probably lost for words.

#'Look what you've done.'

"I know I said all those things when your... well- before, uhhh... and I know I've been acting like a jerk, I just... "

He swallowed, as if preparing for what he was about to say.

"I just regret that and wanted to say... that... I'm- I'm sorry."

Peter could hear the students gasping and for a minute he wondered what how Flash felt.

To think that everyone think of you as such a monster that a small apologize awes them.

And Peter had made this mess when Flash didn't even deserved it.

_Your fault_

_Just like uncle Ben_

Suddenly Peter found the scene hard to tolarant and even though he knew it would be a dick move to leave without saying anything -specially when Flash looked like that- but he couldn't help the nausea rising in his throat and he felt like he's choke in there if he didn't get out.

So he ran.

\-------------

"Peter, Peter wait."

Peter wished he could pretend he didn't hear Ned. He wished invisibility was one of his powers.

"Peter, wait." Ned ran towards him, sound of his panting getting more obvious as he got closer.

"Ned, I..."

"Peter."

Ned's voice was so firm that Peter didn't really dare to talk after him.

"Are you okay?"

Out of no where Petr really felt like he wanted to- #needed to cry.

_ **"Peter, tell me, what's been going on with you?"** _

Peter felt like he wanted to collapse. Just fall. He didn't want to stand anymore.

He wanted to stop. He wanted to stop acting like this. He wished he weren't like this. He wished he was strong enough to be able to hold his shit together, he wished he was strong enough not to push the others away.

He wished he could stop so everyone would stoo looking at him that way. The way they pittied him, feeling bad for how he was feeling, it just made him feel sick.

He didn't have the right to be like this.

None of them even knew.

He wished he was better. Stronger. He wished he was really Spiderman. Strong and confident.

"I'm fine Ned."

"**_Nothing uncle Ben, I'm fine."_**

"Dude, I know how hard this is fo-"

"No Ned, actually...you don't."

'_Why are you doing this, Peter?'_

Ned's expression changed. Peter's heart shattered into pieces by his own words but he didn't let his face show the change.

'Why are you trying to make them sad?'

"Well, yeah, you're right but still I want you to kno-"

"Ned, please, can we talk about this some other time?"

Peter hesitated, but didn't wait to get an answer and left in a few seconds. Not looking back to see a broken Ned behind him who was staring at him with concerned eyes.

He didn't really know. He didn't know why he was doing this. He didn't know why he wanted to make them angry. But he couldn't stand how they acted towards him.

Not because it was bad, because they were so nice...

And Peter didn't deserve it. It was all his fault. He was the reason they had to grieve in this day. He didn't deserve it and he couldn't pretend that he did.

**"** _ **Peter, why don't you talk to me no more? I'm you're father. Please, Pete. Talk to me."** _  
  


Peter was just #so tired.

\---------  
  


Peter didn't change into his Spiderman suit. He didn't want to patrol anymore.

He was scared. He didn't know what he was scared of. But today the memory of Ben was living with him, but only in his head, and when Peter got out of it, everything so scary without him. Like the first day of school.

And he did what he was used to do when he got scared. At least when Ben was alive.

"Hi."

It felt stupid.

It felt so stupid to talk to a stone that the only difference it had from the other stones was that it was bigger and it had words carved on it.

That's why Peter had never done this before.

Peter was there when Ben died. He watched Ben die. He watched as life faded from his uncle's eyes and left his body forever. Peter saw him after he died. He saw those empty cold eyes and there was nothing in it but darkness. Peter saw Ben _leave_.

Peter was there with Ben, and then it was just him, he completely felt becoming alone.

He didn't feel Ben's presence ever again. Maybe if he hadn't stared at those eyes as everything that gave meaning to them left it he'd have been able to feel Ben.

And now it felt stupid and useless to talk to a stone.

But he was too numb to care.

He sat down beside the grave. There were fresh flowers on it, May must have been there.

"Are you mad at me for not visiting after the funeral?"

He slowly put his hand on the cold stone and rubbed it, touching the dents that showed his uncle's name.

_Ben_.

He hated how every time he heard the name, a shiver shook his body.

Two years ago all it reminded him was happiness. The name used to remind him of all the happy moments they had with each other. It warmed his heart. It made him smile. It made him feel safe and belonged.

Now it seemed like the name had turned into a taboo. The name that was the first thing he used to say every day, now had just turned into a sad memory, something they had to avoid using. All those happy memories didn't make them smile, it just made them regretful for all the happy moments they didn't get to spend with him.

Ben sounded like sorrow to his ears. And he was afraid to use it. He was afraid to think of it.

Peter hated it.

"Sorry Ben, but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to you before. I don't know why. Maybe because you can't hear me. Maybe because I was ashamed. Maybe because I was mad at you and wanted you to be ashamed. Maybe because it'd be so unreal to prepare some words and say it to nothing. No one."  
  


"**_Please, Pete. Talk to me."_**

He chuckled and a single tear dropped from his eye.

"It's- it's kinda funny to think about it. I remember how you asked me to talk to you the day you left."

He stopped looking at the stone and looked down. He was ashamed to look at Ben, as if he was there.

"Now I'm _dying_ to talk to you, but I can't. It's just so funny how I felt like..."

He hesitated.

"Like I didn't need you."

It felt so wrong now. To think of two years ago. Ben was there. It felt like a long time ago, Ben had turned into an impossible dream, and thinking that two years ago he was #right there, with him...

It felt like none of those moments existed. 14 years with Ben seemed like moments of Peter's dream, and old memory. And he had the chance to make it real, but he lost it.

_He did this to himself, he did this to all of them._

"I don't feel fine Ben, I wish you were here so I could tell you-"

Tears were falling from his eyes without him even knowing. 

"I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong, I feel like I'm-I'm wrong. I feel like nothing I do is real, and everyday, it's fine everyday, I try to tell myself that it's just in my head, try to make myself believe that I'm doing the right thing, going the right way, but today..."

"- it feels like I'm seeing the truth. It's like this is my true self, a monster."

"I know how much pain May is in, and she's still trying her best to hide it and make me feel better, she's trying so hard and I'm just making it harder and harder for her. I know it and I still don't stop it. I'm not sure if I really don't know how to stop... or if I just don't wanna."

"... and Ned, he's- he's so good, he's so good and it makes me angry that I can't be the friend he deserves. And Flash, he didn't even mean to hurt e today. Even Flash was #so nice and I..."

He ran out of both breath and words. Crying made it hard to talk, to inhale.

"I feel like I'm the only one who's ge-getting worse."

He remembered how he felt when he said those words to Flash. He didn't even look at him, still he felt satisfied to say those things, it was like he was getting revenge, and he didn't feel bad about it. Because what he was saying made him feel like Flash was the one who had to apologize.

"You always told me- that- that I'm so good. A-and it makes me f-feel bad because I've never told you. It always made me feel so proud that I-that I never told you how I feel like there's- there's a monster inside of me."

He put his head down on the cold stone and let his tears fall down as he sobbed as loud as he could.

"Please, Ben, p-please. Please come back. I don't know what to do. I don't know. I don't know." His words were so vague that he couldn't understand some of tem himself, but he kept on yelling, thinking if he yelled enough maybe Ben would come back, afraid that if he stopped, the pain wouldn't leave.

But the pain stayed anyway, and Ben didn't get back. And Peter finally lost sight of why he was doing this. He lost hope in talking. He lost his hope about Ben getting back.

'_You've done this. You can't make it right like that.'_

"Ben, I'm... uh..."

He said while getting uo, sniffling and whiping his tears.

"I'm so sorry for what I did. I wish I had the chance to say this to you that-"

_ **"I'm you're father. Please, Pete. Talk to me."** _

** _"BEN, STOP IT. YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER SO STOP TRYING TO BE."_ **

"-that you actually are my father."

"I wish when you left, you were sure that I love you."  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!! So I guess I'm the only one who can take this long to wrtie one chapter...( I'm sOrRy) but I'm back<3  
But I think it was good that it took me this long. Because the first chapter was completely a reflex of my emotions and I could kinda relate to what I was writing. I really felt what Peter was feeling so I enjoyed writing it. Then I got distracted because of school and the exams, it was a pretty rough month, but the exams are almost over😥😥😧😧. But when I started writing the second chapter I was -again- feeling realy shitty. Much worse than the last time. so it helped me get my feelings out even if they weren't the exact same as Peter's. But I felt really better after writing it.
> 
> SO FOR ANYONE WHO LIKES TO WRITE STORIES AND FANFICTION--> I just wanted to tell all of ya how much writing can help you deal with your emotions and if there's anyone who likes to write stuff, and has some ideas about a stroy, but thinks that it won't be good enough...Just do it. Even if you can't complete it. Even if you are afraid to post it because you think that no one will read it or like it. It doesn't matter. Even if 2 people read it, there were two people who enjoyed your writing and related to it, and that's more than enough. It's the best thing in the word. If you want someone to read them, I will. Just send me the link. You can send it to my tumblr account (tintin98) or just put the link below in the comments. I promise as soon as I see it, I'll read it. Or maybe you don't like to post it. That's okay. Even if you don't wanna be an author or think that you don't have talents but enjoy writing... who cares? Do what you like to do. It'll be great. I'm sure.
> 
> Okay, that was long but I just wanted to tell you guys how amazing can writing make you feel. 
> 
> So for now... enjoy the story! Tell me what you think and point out my mistakes.
> 
> Have a great day ya'll:-)
> 
> Warning: mention of panic attacks

Peter was mad.

He sat down on the street curb, pressing his fingers harder against his nose to stop it from bleeding. He wasn't sure if there was something wrong with his healing factor or if everything was just meant to be screwed today, but his nose wouldn't stop bleeding and man... it hurt like a bitch for someone like Peter.

He didn't really mean to fight.

Well, actually he did. He did mean to fight and he was looking for something to make him mad, but everyone were so nice today -even Flash, even that jerk was acting all cute and kind today- so he had to swallow down his desire to kick someone in the guts. He could've patrolled but he really didn't feel like saving the city and doing hero stuff. He really prefered to be a villain at the time. Besides he didn't want Mr. Stark tracking him down if he got hurt.

And yeah, he knew it was none of his business and he shouldn't have meddled in people's life and yeah all that, blah blah blah.

But the man was shouting at the woman and his 'I'm the best and you're just a piece of garbage how dare you disobey my shitty orders- was more than enough for Peter to just jump in the middle and punch the guy in his face.

It was a good punch and it could've been a pretty fight. But the problem was that the dude didn't know he was dealing with a mutant. He thought Peter was just some insane teenager (at that moment he was right) who have had a fight with his parents so he didn't take him seriously.

Only one punch in the face. All it did was make his nose bleed.

"Arrghhhh."

Peter hated it. Why did the most of people avoid fights? Come on, dude. I just punched you in the face for no reason. Don't I at least deserve a kick.

It didn't matter. The point was that Peter wanted to be beaten up. He wanted to be kicked and punched and beaten and he wanted to feel the pain. He didn't know why but he wanted to be in pain.

_Like Ben was_.

_'_ _No, no, no. Dammit. Don't think about that Peter.'_

And now he was alone in a dark cold alley. If he died in here no one would even be able to find his corpse for weeks.

Peter thought about dying. He thought what it would be like to close your eyes knowing this is the last time you'll ever see this world. Knowing that everything you had, everything you've lived for, they'll all fade away when you close those eyes. All of your dreams wouldn't matter anymore. Your life wouldn't matter anymore and soon, you'll just be part of pictures in people's photo album. A memory that would slowly fade away until it's forgotten. Every second of your life was just your experience and it would all go away when you close your eyes.

It must have been scary. You'd probably do your best to keep your eyes open, to fight the pain, to find a way to exist, to be. But it doesn't matter how hard you try, you won't succeed. The last moment must be terrifying, when you realize that your time is really over and soon another day will begin without you. When you finally accept the fact that nothing, not your money or your fancy house or your classy car, the people you love, none of them can make you stay. When you give up and close your eyes with a single tear tracing down your face, that'll be the last sign that you were alive. The tear would continue falling even when your heartbeat stops. It'll drop off of your chin and fall on your neck and slowly slip down until it reaches the cold ground, getting lost in it's dark color. No one will even see it, the last sign of you will disappear in the ground until it becomes nothing.

The only place you'll be able to live in is your family and friends' memory.

Peter hoped Ben knew that he would never stopped living in their mind.

He hoped Ben knew how sorry he was for ruining their family and their life. He wished he knew that Peter didn't feel like Ben was trying to replace his father. He wished Ben was there to comfort May when Peter made her sad. He wished Ben was there to make things right in day like today when he felt like the world was falling apart, to tell Peter -make Peter believe- that it was going to be okay even if it really wasn't. He wished Ben was there to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that he wasn't a bad person and he could try again. That he'd do better this time. That this time he won't yell and fight and get mad, instead he'd hug May and let her cry in his shoulders until he was comfortable enough to give up and sob in her chest. He wished Ben was there to tell him that May wasn't mad at him and Ned would understand and he could still make it up to Flash. That tomorrow was a brand new day that Peter could open his eyes to and actually smile. That this numb feeling would fade by that time and he'd be able to laugh again. And he wished in that tomorrow Ben would be there, too.

And like he didn't have control over his own body, suddenly he looked down and realized he was calling Mr. Stark.

It was so stupid and it made Peter mad. He hated himself for this. He hated himself for doing this to himself and everyone around him. It was like he was cursed, everyone around him left and no matter how many times Peter lost, he'd still find another one. Every time he'd tell himself that he wouldn't do this again. That he wouldn't involve another person in this, but he was so weak. He was so stupid. He couldn't stop.

Mr. Stark was so great that he forgot his promise. At first he was just an idol, a role mother far away from him, just a picture, and then suddenly he was there, right next to Peter. And it was everything that hr wanted, everything he had imagined since he was a kid. Suddenly Mr. Stark wasn't far, he wasn't just a model anymore. He was the greatest person in Peter's life. He was a mentor. A father. He made Peter feel worthy. Like he still mattered, like he was strong and he put so much faith on Peter that it slowly made Peter believe in himself as well. He made Peter feel like he still deserved to have someone to reach to... a father.

Peter was so foolish. He was so stupid to let these things blind him. He was so selfish to let these things get him close to Mr. Stark when he knew how it was gonna end up.  
  
  


But Peter was still stupid. He couldn't stop. He couldn't stop the need to have Mr. Stark by his side. He couldn't stop the need to have Mr. Stark ruffle his hair and pat him on the back and tease him and talk to him and smile at him proudly and call him 'kid'. It was Peter's life now and he couldn't stop clinging to it.

He wanted to, but he couldn't hang up the phone.

"Hey, Pete. What's up?"

Peter tried to talk but then there was something closing his air way and suddenly he couldn't talk... or even breath.

He tried to get air in his lungs with a deep breath but all it did was make him panic when he realized he couldn't breath.

"Pete. Is everything alright?"

Peter moved his lips but nothing came out.

_He couldn't breath, he couldn't breath, he couldn't breath. _

He fell on the ground and held his throat with one of his hand -as if there was someone chocking him- his other hand clawing the ground. The dark alley was getting blurry and everywhere was filling with white spots.

"_FRIFAY, track him down-"_

The familiar voice slowly got lost in the loud buzz that was filling Peter's head. His lungs were burning and every failed attempt to inhale and the sound of his gasps rose his anxiety more and more. He felt as if his whole face was swelling and his veins were about to explode.

He thought maybe this was what dying felt like. He was dying.

This must have been what Ben had felt like in his last moments. This was what his parents felt like in their last minutes.

He remembered Ben's last words.

** _'I'm sorry.'_ **

Peter never really got the chance to say that he was sorry too. That he loved him and thought of him as a dad.

_"Goddamit FRIDAY, hurry."_

Who was that?

_"Pete, Pete? Talk to me kid."_

Was that Mr. Stark?

"Peter please. Talk to me."

"**_Please, Pete. Talk to me."_**

It was like everything was happening over again. Tony was talking just like Ben.

"Kid... where are you? What's happening?** For god's sake,** **Peter, talk**."

It must have been just like watching Ben die. Tony was hearing Peter's death.

No. Peter couldn't leave like this. He couldn't leave without saying how much he loved Tony. He couldn't leave, never saying this.

He opened his mouth and tried to shape the words, but all came out was a raw muffled gasp. No, no no no no no. He had to say it. He _had_ to. He wasn't dead yet. He should've been able to say it. He wasn't dead. It wasn't over yet, he still had time. He had to say it while he still had the chance.

He clenched his teeth and tried to ignore the burning of his lungs and the pain in his hand from clawing the ground. He could do it.

He opened his mouth again and tried to use all the air that was left in his lungs.

Nothing.

He closed his eyes and pressed them hard together, a single tear left the corner of his eye. Why couldn't he do it? Why couldn't he fight it.

He couldn't give up. No, he couldn't leave Mr. Stark like that. He couldn't leave him without saying goodbye.

He fist his hands and pounded it against the ground.

"Pete, don't worry, I'm coming, okay? I'm on my way..."

Tony's voice was fading and Peter's vision was going entirely white. His time was almost over.

And he would never say May that he was sorry. Or Ned. Or Flash. He would never ask MJ out. He won't be near May in movie night. He won't jump on the bed when he was talking to Ned about star wars. He would never get to be a big superhero. He'd never have another lab day with Mr. Stark. 

Screw this. He was Spiderman.

"I..."

He did it.

"What? Peter did you say so-"

"I- I'm so- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry- I'm sorr-sorry."

His voice was quiet and gagged and his words barely made sense. But the silence over the other end assured Peter that it was heard.

He knew Mr. Stark was gonna say something and he knew what it was gonna be so he tool the chance to say all he had to say before Mr. Stark talked.

"Misteh- m'st'r Stark I- I uhh..."

Almost everything has faded and his vision was going completely white. The sounds around him were becoming more and more quiet. He couldn't even hear his chocks anymore. He couldn't feel the burning in his lungs anymore.

"I love you dad."

He felt relieved. He wasn't scared.

Everything went white. All the noises dissapeared. Peter was still laying on the ground

Ben was there. Right in front of Peter. Looking down at Peter with dead eyes.

Ben looked so unfamiliar. Peter tried to remember everything about Ben. He never stopped thinking about him and the memories they had. He had always tried to remember Ben's face. But now... he was so real. All those photos and videos, the picture of Ben in his mind, they were so opaque. It was like Ben and Peter's time together belonged to a story, some kind of fairy tail that Peter's always reread when he was feeling down.

But Ben was really there.

It wasn't Ben, though. At least not the Ben he used to be. Well, maybe death changes people.

His eyes were just as dead as the time he was dying. There was no life in them. Nothing. Just pure emptiness. It scared Peter more than the fire in his lungs.

Peter tried to move, to stand up, but failed. Ben just stood there, staring at him, not moving. Peter struggled again to get air in his lungs but it only made it worse. He crawled closer to Ben and tried to take a grip on his hands. Ben didn't even move, didn't even flinch. Peter fell on his knees and looked up to him with tears in his eyes.

"Ben, please."

He don't know why he was pleading.

"Peter. It's me."

It was Ben's voice but Ben's lips weren't moving.

"Look, look, I'm here. I came. I'm here Pete."

"I'm here okay? You're gonna be fine."

The voice was slowly changing.

"I've got you."

It was familiar.

"You're gonna be alright, just breath."

It was warm. Felt like home.

"Look at me."

The white background was slowly changing into something less bright.

It was nice.

"You've gotta breath, Pete."

It was Tony.

"No, Peter, just look at me. Breath. Okay? You have to breath."

He started to feel something om his back. It was a hand, soft and gentle and warm. It was Tony's hand. Rounding, making invisible circles on his back over and over.

Tony had told him to breath. Peter remembered that he wasn't breathing. Maybe he had gotten used to not breathing. May once told him human came to terms with most of the situations, they got used to the worst things and eventually they became a part of their life. Peter believed it when he laughed for the first time after his uncle's death.

"Alright, that's it. Just keep breathing. You're doing great."

Peter tried harder to breath. Like a little child that has been praised for something. Mr. Stark said he was doing good. He didn't want to let him down.

"Okay, very good. Now can you do something for me? Can you tell me what you can see?"

Peter wanted to say nothing but Ben but suddenly he realized that the bright light was almost gone.

So was Ben.

"I-"

He was surprised to hear his own voice, surprised that he was able to open his mouth and actually get some words out of his mouth.

"I can- I can see-"

He tried to focus and get those bobbles out of his vision.

"I can see your face... almost."

'And you look really panicked.' He skipped that part.

"There you go. That's great. What else?"

"I can see a tree behind you."

"Uh-huh."

"I can see a building near us."

He stopped for a second and paid more attention to the building.

"Which is really ugly." He continued.

"It really is. What's happening with people?"

"I can see my hair blocking my vision."

"Okay, what can you hear?"

The sounds started to become more clear to his ears.

"I can hear your voice, car's passing, some- some woman yelling, I can gear the sound of a... horn? uh, I can hear your heartbeat. What's wrong with you, old man?" He tried to sound normal as possible but his voice was still too weak and slow and raw.

"Well, I think you're aware enough, and we can discus your attitude later. Now tell me what you can feel."

"I feel, I feel burning in my throat and lungs."

He didn't miss the change in Tony's face but he went on.

""I feel your hands on my back and my arm. I feel sweet dripping down my face. I feel my tshirt sticking to my chest. I- feel like shit."

"Okay, well, that's good enough. Now what do you smell?"

"I smell well enough to know that I stink."

Tony smiled slightly.

"Well, that's the perfect amount."

Tony helped Peter get up and got him to the car.

The ride was silent. Peter could tell from Mr. Stark's look that he wanted to ask what had happened so he just tried to avoid contact and tried to look tired so Mr. Stark would feel uncomfortable asking him questions in that shape.

But once they had gotten to the tower and he had took a quick shower, there was no escaping it.

He took as long as possible to change. But he knew that he'd eventually have to talk to him.

Those moments he spent in Mr. Stark's arms in the alley was peaceful. He didn't have to talk or think or worry. Now anxiety had came back. He was scared to even close his eyes because every time he did, he remembered Ben's empty face. Remembered the rush of fear pouring down his body at the thought of dying.

He shook his head and got down the stairs. Mr. Stark was sitting on the couch, looking out the window, clearly thinking while sipping his coffee.

"Hey."

Tony turned around and tried his best to look, well, not _good_, but at least 'not scared to death'.

"Hey."

Peter sat down next to him and soon there was a dead silence filling the room. Peter has never been so uncomfortable around Mr. Stark -well, expect for the first weeks they met. He wished Mr. Stark would ask whatever he wanted to sooner so it'd be over soon. He just wished this shitty day would end.

"So..."

_Finally_.

"You wanna tell me what happened?"

Peter looked at his lap.

"Can I not?"

Tony sighed and leaned on the back of the couch.

"Well, you can, but, you know, don't you think it'd help to- like- just talk about it?"

Talk about it? So you'd pity me like everyone else? Even Flash? So you'd try to keep an eye on me all day and try to make me feel better? More awkward conversation with you trying to make everything seem normal? Or tell me that it wasn't my fault when it was?

"No."

Thanks.

Peter waited for an answer, but Tony just looked at him for a moment and then looked away.

Oh, great. Now he felt guilty. What was wrong with everything?

Tony sipped his coffee and Peter decided if he should whether leave or not.

Then he remembered Mr. Stark's warm hands.

_It's okay._

That moment, it really was okay.

_I've got you._

Maybe Mr. Stark could really make it better. Maybe he'd end the pain.

"Umm..."

** _"Please. Talk to me, Pete."_ **

He just needed to trust Mr. Stark.  
  


And he really did.

"Today's Ben's anniversary."

He could hear Mr. Stark's breath being cut, but he didn't say anything.

Because it was Peter who had to talk.

"Last year-"

_Gun. Blood. Tear. I'm sorry._

He breathed his fear out.

"Last year today he was killed in a robbery."

He could feel Mr. Stark's gaze on him. He was curious to see his look, but at the same time, he didn't really want to.

"Uhh- it was just a simple robbery. I mean- I was- I was scared-"

He remembered hearing his own heartbeat in his ears.

"- but- but I didn't think it'd- it'd turn out that way. I just assumed that this would- uhh- just end. You know? And we'd just go home. Like- I thought the only thing that would happen was that- I'd be scared and get nightmares and stuff. I don't know, I just didn't think Ben like- _could_ ever die."

He took a moment to breath and prevent his tears from falling.

"I know." Tony finally talked. Peter looked at him with surprise.

"I know how it feels. You know? I wasn't that close to my father. But when he died- I don't know. I always thought that he'd always be a pain in my ass, but he'd at least _be_. I couldn't really believe that he died. My mother's death was not just a shock. It was terrible. I guess I know how you felt."

A little smile was formed in the corner of Peter's lip. He always felt like it was stupid.

"Um... the thing was, uh, I did something stupid. I don't really remember. Maybe spoke or moved or talked shit. They wanted to- I don't know. Maybe learn me a lesson or something but Ben tried tp distract them. One of them got really mad, just- just shot him. I think he really didn't know what he was doing."

_Bang_.

"It just- seemed so stupid, because, he didn't really do anything. The guy was just crazy and maybe he felt like doing something crazy- and- and he did. It was so stupid. The moment he fell down, I just, it didn't seem real. He just- _died _for no reason. Just so I wouldn't... like... what? Get punched?"

He laughed nervously and kept his head down so Mr. Stark wouldn't see the tears in his eyes.

"And he said sorry. I don't know why he would do that. I really wished I knew what he was thinking. I should have said sorry. We-we had a fight...and I- I told him these really mean things and he just- he just stared, said nothing, just stared at me. He was disappointed. He was disappointed me and yet he died for me and I didn't **do shit even though I could**, I could, but I didn't and he just died and after all that he apologized...God, I hate this."

He almost yelled.

"Peter, you couldn't have done anything-"

"Yes, I could."

"What could you have don-"

**"I had my powers."** Peter yelled. Looking at Tony with rage in his eyes. Tony looked shocked.

"What?"

"I had my powers. I could've fought them, hell, I would've survived even if I got shot."

Tony just stared.

"I wasn't Spiderman yet but I had my powers and I knew it."

He put his face in his hands.

"I fought him and told him that he's not my father, then made him try to sacrifice himself for me, and then I didn't do anything when he actually did, even though I knew I could. And then- I didn't even say a thing. I didn't say I was sorry. I just lrt him die thinking that I didn't saw him as my dad when I DID."

He forgot who he was talking to. It almost felt like thinking out loud.

"Now I'm ruining everything. Everything is falling apart. May and Ned and MJ are getting far. Soon I'll be alone just like I was meant to be."

"Peter, hey, Pete. Don't say that, kid."

"Why, Mr. Stark? Why? Don't you see? Everyone around me leaves. My parents, Ben. I messed up my chance with Liz and now I'm banishing everyone who's left."

"Hey, Pete. Look at me. Look at me."

Peter tried to whip the tears with his hands before Tony made him stare into his eyes.

"Look."

He took Peter's hand and put it in his heart.

"I'm here."

Peter felt Mr. Stark's heartbeat in the palm of his hands.

"See? I'm here and I'm alive. And I'm not going _anywhere_. See? I'm not gonna leave you."

"And I'm sure no one else is."

"But I- I-"

"You didn't do anything Peter. You were just upset and we understand that. May, Ned, me. No one's gonna leave you. You just have to let them help."

Peter started crying. He wanted to. He really did. He just didn't know how to do it without hurting them.

Tony embraced him and Peter didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around him and sob in his arms.

"I just- I keep- keep trying to- to be good. I really do. I -I really try. But it- sometimes I just- just do something and it- it just ruins it all. I- I feel so alone. I feel like nothing's right and I'm- I'm not sure if it can ever be right again."

"Shh. I know. It's okay, kid. It's okay. I know you try. You're doing good. You're doing great."

He felt Mr. Stark's hands through his hair and on his back.

_Please, don't leave me._

"I know it's hard. We all know. But you're doing great. You're doing great. Don't feel bad about this. You deserve this. You deserve to let it out and cry and talk and get help and even be sad. You have nothing to blame yourself for."

Peter cried harder. Why couldn't he stop crying?

"I killed Ben."

"Hey, hey, Peter."

Tony got out of Peter's grip and looked at his eyes.

"Don't say that... _ever_ again. Ben made a choice. Ben and May ought to protect you when they adopted you. Ben decided to do this because e loved you and wanted you to be safe. He wanted to protect you and he knew you were worth it. It's all in your head, Peter. You didn't kill Ben. He died because you were more important to him than his own life. And you were scared Peter. You were scared because of your powers and the situation you were in. You didn't know what to do but I'm sue you would've done the same for him. You're doing it now, for the people. You're making things right and I know he'd be so proud of you."

He paused to smile gently at him.

"Like I am now."

Peter tried to smile. He tried to feel good. But Ben was still dead.

"I just-"

He started to look at his lap again.

"I just wish I didn't have to- I don't know. It seems like all of these things were what made me Spiderman and I just wish that- I didn't have to lose him to become this."

"I wish I had at least told him that he was more than just my father."

Tony hesitated, then got closer to Peter and put his hand around him.

"Well, I'm sure he did. I think that's why he said sorry. Because he was sorry leaving you cause he knew how much you loved him."

_I'm sorry._

Peter closed his eyes .

_I'm sorry too._ _ I really am._

"Don't fight it. It's okay to feel bad."

Peter leaned his head against Mr. Stark's shoulder.

"It's still gonna be alright. "

Well, some days were just shitty. But Mr. Stark was there so it was gonna be okay.

Besides, Ben was still there. He would never die. Maybe Peter couldn't stop him from dying physically, but he would never let Ben die in their minds.  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Soooo, how was it?  
Also I wanted the next chapter to be only Tony's POV. What do you think about that?
> 
> Tell me your suggestions, point out my mistakes and tell me what you think of this fic in the comments below!
> 
> Have a great day, ya'll.


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